So maybe you’ve noticed, or maybe not (perhaps I’m being conceited) that I’ve been absent on the blog for a while now. Nothings came up, life has been as painfully ordinary as ever, so I can’t give you that excuse. Truth is, there is no excuse. I guess if I had to give one, it’s that I’m human.
I never intended to make money off this blog. I initially didn’t even mean for people to read it. It was always just going to be a space to share my own thoughts, if only for myself. It was a tool to help with mental illness mostly.
I have always loved writing. I have written stories my whole life, fictional and non-fictional. They started off as fairy tales when I was young. Then I wrote poetry as a pre-teen. During my time in secondary school, it was mostly homework with some fantasy writing on the side. Now it’s feminist pros and pieces on mental health and life as a queer young adult.
However, I enjoy writing on my own terms. I do it for fun and catharsis. When I’m on a strict deadline, which I set myself after gaining success on this blog, it stopped being fun. I found myself stuck for ideas and writing about things that I didn’t care about. I started writing for the reader and ironically, my views dropped as a result.
What I’m trying to get at is that I cannot continue writing on here for anyone but myself. I need to take some pressure off. I’ll admit, I spent more time promoting my blog than I did writing for it. I joined multiple Facebook groups, Linked in Groups and Tribes online to spam my stuff. It became a job. I began stressing over numbers and figures and lost the love that I had for writing. I spent hours researching SEO tactics and html code and blah blah blah.
I know this is some peoples’ jobs, I understand that. I realize that people are trying to make a career out of this sort of thing, but I am not. I have other things to stress about; mental illness, university, relationships etc. I cannot let this blog consume me as it has. I don’t want to have to motivate myself to write, I want to do when it feels right. I want to write about topics that I love, rather than topics with catchy titles to attract potential subscribers.
Anyways, because I was feeling this way I did what I do in most situations that make me anxious, I avoided it all together. I pretended that this blog didn’t even exist. I ignored emails, didn’t bother signing in to check comments and stopped jotting down notes on things to write about.
I am not a social media genius. I am not a marketing professional. I am not an Instagram aficionado. I am a girl that is struggling to take care of herself. I’m a girl who doesn’t know what the hell she is doing – and that’s okay. Will I keep writing? Will I make a career out of this? Will I be successful? Who knows and who the fuck cares.
Right now, I’m going to keep going with the blog. I’m going to do a few things differently but I am going to stick to it. It’s brought be so much joy and optimism that it would be stupid to throw it all away now in a tantrum. I’m going to try to retain the reason why I started all of this. I’m doing it for myself. It is something in my life I can control, that’s completely mine and nobody can take from me, and that feels amazing.
Look, if you’re like me and are having a mental crisis over your writing, or your career path and are struggling with motivation, my advice would be to not be over critical of yourself. We are only human. I regret taking so much time off, sure, but I needed to do it to clear my head.
I am writing this piece with no plan. I wanted to have it flow out of my fingers and into fruition. I want it to be raw and honest. There’s so much that people try to conceal online. It’s hard to know what’s real anymore. I can only promise that I will try to be honest with you guys from now on.
If you have stuck around regardless, thank you so much for being patient with me. I look forward to what the future may bring for me, whatever that it.